This is from my original site, will divide it into several pages here in order to be able to include a pic. After all, they're funny. :)
Next, I've actually had some ask me why the devotee should care about [what may appear to them as] a mundane thing like humor?
First, those opposed to humor, finding it fickle, especially they've said it's Maya, may be the the very devotees who need it the most!
These often are the grumpiest, or most fanatical. Some think fanaticism means "fixed up." Actually most older devotees experience of fanatics, saw many out of the blue fall down, startling us. Fanaticism can mean weak, tho actually can be used as protection - as long as they do it honestly, & cause no harm to others. Including no emotional harm by insisting everyone be a carbon copy of themselves.
Similarly, to go the other extreme, thinking that as a way to avoid fanaticism, or avoid rebellion thru ummm rebelling ha by going this other extreme [geesh], plus other beliefs used to justify not following rules/regs etc - indicates the exact opposite. For example, it sounds more like not caring "enough" to stick up for rules & regs, or refusal to challenge their comfort zone & face it as wrong. We're such extremists in this age. Let us try to find balance.
Tho will say, once in a while any of the above may be personalities with emotional issues. Yet, all the more reason they laugh! :)
Maintaining the variegated, above mentioned, hang-ups, in turn, effects the health of the critics of humor. Including spiritual health. Sure, I agree it'd be nice if every single joke here was related to Krishna Consciousness, but its kali yuga folks, I do the best with what comes my way.
Next, let us remember, Krishna made many laugh! There is nothing wrong spiritually with laughter. As long as they are harmless, clean jokes.
Then we also need to keep in mind, devotees need to live a long time in order to share Krishna with everyone. Health benefits of laughter have now been proven medically. So laugh a little. Then you can preach/share better. :)
What follows are excerpts from my former web page:
As we begin to age, our health starts to deteriorate. The material body is not built to last forever. In this modern era of pollution, poor diet or gardening soil, we need to educate ourselves & not throw in the towel, because there are things we can do.
I decided to read "Anatomy of an Illness" by Norman Cousins. The short of it is: He was diagnosed with an incurable illness that he cured through the use of Belly Laughter, Vitamin C therapy, & Medicine.
Briefly: while many feel they'll just start taking lots of Vitamin C, after reading his book I realize there can be bad side effects even to this - when we don't know 'fully' what we're doing. Therefore all should seek the help of a medical practitioner.
With that said...... Norman Cousins has also given significant evidence that the laughter was more than just a placebo, rather had scientific, beneficial, medical effect on his health. I felt so hopeful and inspired by his writings that I feel it's time we all started to lighten up a little and laugh. Who knows, it may even prolong our lifespan.
The thing about humor is, what tickles one persons funny bone may not tickle someone else. The medical benefit from laughter, Norman Counsins pointed out, was the greatest when he laughed so hard with a ten minute belly-roll type of laugh.
While not all jokes here hit me to that degree, many do, & most are pretty darn good. I've tried my best to put some real belly-roll jokes here.
I'll also interweave a few quotes from his book [from amazon.com] which may help some like myself who need a scientific basis to keep doing this.
Lets start with this one from Anatomy of an Illness, pg 40
Additionally, as I find other scientific data proving the healing effects of laughter, I will interweave them here as well.
Please read this DISCLAIMER:
Religious, as well as other humor, are needed so we can all lighten up as well as get along. I have done my best to use only clean jokes and those in good taste. Please do not take anything personal. We're just trying to laugh at ourselves (and others) to make it easier to approach such topics. My apologies if you find anything here objectionable. Please know it was not the intent.
Ready? Ok let's go! :)
What is a coincidence?
It's when God performs a miracle, & decides to remain anonymous. :)
I wasn't always a comedian, before this I was a painter for 5 years. ...... FIVE years...... (sigh)...... I thought I'd NEVER finish that dang house! :)
Two rules to success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
Calvinists believe the game is fixed.
Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
Quakers won't swing.
Unitarians can catch anything.
Amish walk a lot.
Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often.
Televangelists get caught stealing.
Definition of Football: A game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while millions of people who really need the exercise sit and watch. :)
Old saying: Change your mind, change your reality
New saying: I like my reality, stop trying to change my mind. :)
[I dedicate this joke to New age and religious fanatics who tried to convert me as well as psychoanalyze me with such idioms. The reality is, it is they who did not like who I am: a Hare Krishna devotee with zero interest in psychobabble. :) I'm not against therapy, simply no one should "play" therapist. And others in need of it, please go to a college educated, qualified licensed therapist who also has a good success record, and not offensive to Krishna Consciousness.]
Q) What makes God laugh?
A) When a doctor tells his patient: "'I' cured you."
When Mahatma Gandhi was asked what he thought of Western Civilization, he replied: "I think it would be a good idea." :)
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY :-)
- - OOPS !!
- - I wonder what this does?
- - Hand me the saw someone!
- - Did he say the right or left leg? :-)
- - I'd feel a lot better about this if the dotted lines were pre-drawn like back at night school.
- - Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog! :::blushing:::
- - Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- - Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingy.
- - Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- - Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. :)
- - Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- - Rats, there go the lights again...
- - "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em."
- - Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens.
- - Could you stop that thing from beating: it's throwing my concentration off.
- - What's this doing here?
- - That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- - I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
- - Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- - Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
- - And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
- - OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- - Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card ?
- - Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- - She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
- - FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- - Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Classified Ad: "Psychic Wanted: You know where to apply." hehe
If you believe in telekinesis - raise my hand!
Q) How many blind followers does it take to change a light bulb?
A) None, as they prefer to remain in the dark.
How many college athletes does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he gets 3 hours credit for it.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A) One. Any more would be illogical.
Q) How many Voyager Crew does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Shouldn't they have run out of light bulbs A LONG TIME AGO?!?
Q) How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A) One, he holds the bulb in the socket while the world revolves around him.
Q) How many yogis does it take to change a light bulb?
A) None. Yogis find the light within. :-)
Q) How many devotees does it take to put in a light bulb?
A) "That's not my service prabhu." :::rolling eyes:::
Various Faith ("Etc.") Light Bulb Jokes -
Q) How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A) None. Candles only.
Q) How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A) One, but only if he feels the Spirit moving him to do so.
A) Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Q) How many Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Three -- One to change it; one to not-change it: and one to both change -and not-change it. :::dizzy::: LOL
Q) How many Quakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A) After the silence one gets up and changes the bulb.
Q) How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 19. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Q) How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
"It's all right; I'll just sit in the dark."
Q) How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
Q) How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) It depends if they are predestined for it!
Q) How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
Q) How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
A) What's a light bulb?
FOOD FOR THOUGHT - The 'perception' of humor involves the entire brain. It integrates and 'balances' activities in both of its hemispheres. This has actually been proven through the use of EEG's.
Q) How many guitar players does it take to put in a light bulb?
A) One. He stands on the step ladder and the whole world revolves around him.
Q) How many bass players does it take to put in a light bulb?
A) Six. One to put the stupid thing in and 5 to beat away the guitar players stealing all the light.
Q) How many ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) One. He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
Q) "How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?"
A) "Only one; but it must want to change!"
Q - How many New-Agers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - (Said in a flaky voice) "We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy thoughts at our quartz crystals and they glow."
A- Well, it takes many many years, unless you pay $650 US non refundable, Visa or MC accepted. Then you can do it after the weekend intensive training seminar.
Q) Is it possible for some people to get addicted to therapy?
A) Yes, but how would you treat them? :)
And I dedicate this joke to a certain friend or two, who have been doing therapy for 25 years etc, still insist they need it, darn near preach therapy more & Krishna Consciousness less. IMHO, if ya aint getting better, that taint what ya need. :-) But oh well, to each their own. [Please know, I am still friends with them.]
Once read a book that stated it should take 6 months to a 1 & 1/2 years to become cured in therapy.
IMHO, if the reason for going is emotional [not chemical imbalance] and severe, likely the person needs a little more time. If such persons are going to counseling for decades, may I merely offer ideas, to take OR to leave. And some are questions, which have no right or wrong answer - hopefully to lead you to solutions on your own:
* Change therapists [& make sure the new one has a good track record, as you should not have to pay them forever].
* Sometimes we reject hearing truths from friends but are willing to hear it from counselors. What's going on with "that? Figure it out.
* Add new [wisely selected] friends into life, because folks often go to counseling for what our grandmothers resolved over the back fence to their neighbor/friend, or granddad at the barber shop.
* Must friends walk as if on broken glass to keep you at peace? And must they always agree with you? [We're not talking about breaking Krishna C rules & regs 'etc' here, but how to tie shoelaces, or cook, or live their understanding of Prabhupada's lifestyle.]
* Do you say they don't have to agree with you, only later to become inwardly angry when they don't? OR outwardly? :-) That passive/aggressive thing? [Work on it, if it applies.]
* Regardless what you do, is your tendency to get fanatical, where you're a little OCDish [not necessarily OCD], and difficulty detaching to move forward, or toward something /situations/ persons - new? [New does not mean other than Krishna Consciousness, it means finding something else and peace within Krishna Consciousness.]
*Are you in denial over needing medication, or a better diet that supplies serotonin like Flax or Chia Or Hemp Oils - Omega 3's? If a therapist or counselor can't get you back on your own two feet in a couple of years or less, this could be why. They never will be able to for those who are in need of the nutrient Omega 3.So, if jumping from therapist to therapist, or one "in-thing" to the next, author after author, healer after healer - at least consider one reason nothing has a lasting effect could be this need. And it's now easily available in nonviolent forms as touched on above. There are also other nutrient deficiencies that may come into play regarding brain health as well as emotional health, just too little time to get into. Investigate, but stop hoping around with the latest psychology. If it hasn't worked after 2ish years, there's a reason for that.
* When things are not functioning, can you take honest self-inventory to see "If" you contributed, & what you can do to improve?
* Similarly but the opposite, do you take the blame for everything, & seldom notice if those you've surrounded yourself with need to be informed to treat you better? Can you find polite words to express this?
* Have you made a therapist as if Guru? [Or a guru a therapist?!] And do you have trouble making decisions, therefore want regular advice from a counselor? [Advice 'once in a while' from anyone, is okay. But the final choice is your responsibility.]
* Can you admit if you need professional help? [Really, it's not a big deal anymore, resolves draining issues, saves future pains too. According to the book "I" read, therapy is usually temporary!]
* Many have healed themselves through [qualified, not New Agey/trippy] self help books as much as with a therapist. If you truly need such help, there's no shame in buying a couple of these. They work! That's been proven. Tho if you tend to get addicted to therapists or counselors, make sure not to get addicted to books or authors. One, 2, maybe 3 books at most, should do it. Then push them aside, detach. ...And please do not go around analyzing or diagnosing others, that's yet another problem: "Codependency." Books are for you - and your alone.
* Do you need to weed toxic people out of your life who you're attached to? Simultaneously, is it too easy to label them toxic & kick them out because you don't know the right words to express your needs? [Find the middle, plus do the right thing.]
* Can you locate & bring whole and balanced devotee friends into your life?
* Have you considered doing things to become the kind of friend you would desire, in order to attract the right kind of devotees to yourself, or their higher nature? As well as also have something to offer them? [Please do so.]
Yes, I realize I said not to play therapist. Hey, its a joke page, right? lol Seriously, I've no interest in becoming anyone's therapist. Even, I do not enjoy talking very much like this, simply I like less the idea that some devotees are behaving as if long term therapy can fix something Prabhupada can not, and preaching therapy to devotees that do NOT need it. Every little problem does not indicate the need for a Counselor. But it appears they think everyone needs it, thus they preach it. sigh.
Fortunately they never come out and say they believe "long term therapy can fix something Prabhupada can not." On a deeper level they likely know its untrue. I simply wanted to offer alternatives, such as an increase of friendships, and to DO something for yourself in order to be a more wholesome friend.
We attract to ourselves a version of who we are, OR the level of consciousness we present. Anarthas we've not uprooted can come to us through those we like. Because on some level we like the anartha, it offers some form of payoff making it worth discomfort. But don't blame the friend, they probably want to uproot stuff too. Don't blame anyone, as all prefer a higher consciousness, as do you. So just do needed purification - even if its in a counselors office.
Continuing the list.... truthfully increase tolerance [or tell others you ...YOU... can't handle talking about yada yada]. Go after a better diet. Learn something new that's helpful & pleasant.
Especially, spend more time reading the "parts" of Prabhupada's books that inspire you [be honest when you do this one cuz reality is, sometimes this is way over our head & then we translate with our material understandings, thinking its not material understanding. Stick with the bliss under such circumstances]. OR read his almost always encouraging instructions to disciples in his letters - give this increased time and watch your spirits lift, life change!
Now there are some cases where counseling is needed, If ya need one, go! Just make sure you are healed in a sensible period of time.
Plus, those diagnosed with a chemical brain imbalance [Clinical depression, Bipolar, etc] might need therapy for life [or might not need it for life]. Even after 1 1/2 years etc, the sessions should include on something called "Cognitive" therapy, which specializes on training appropriate responses, understanding better wording to use, basically helps keeps one in relationships/friendships in such ways.
Now sometimes the therapist may be needed to untwist some psychological confusion, misunderstandings, stinking-thinking. But it should not always require untwisting. Learn the "how to's" of life in order to avoid offending friends, children, spouses, Vaisnava's of the Lord. And any therapist should be nice, someone you like, as well as favorable.
--Sorry for the lecture, I felt it was needed, & now....back to the shoe. :)
Two mystics talking:
Q) How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation?'
A) Yes, it kept me up all night. :-)
Did you hear about the guy who called the police because he saw some people stealing things out of the shed in his back yard?
The police asked him if they were in his house.
He replied: "No."
Then the police said all units were busy, he should lock his doors. They'd send someone as soon as they could.
The guy hung up, waited 30 seconds, and called back:
"I just called you about the people stealing things out of my shed. Well, don't worry about it, I shot them."
In less than five minutes, police cars screeched into his driveway, sirens blaring, and caught the thieves red-handed.
"I thought you said you shot them," said the officer.
"I thought you said no one was available," he replied.
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
(All respects and thanks to good humored Larry La Prise.)
[Since this blog goes to my international friends, please understand the following will only make sense to those who know this song]
With all the trauma and sadness going on in the world at the moment, it's worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song, the "Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in, and then it fell out, they put his right leg in and tried to move it all about...and that's when the trouble did start.
FWD from a friend:
Once my sister, who has so many kids, said: "After I die, if I wake up in a place where I have to do laundry, I'll know I went to hell." :-)
The reason you're in the material world is to get more material.
What's another word for Thesaurus? :-)
Most of us can read the writing on the wall; we just assume it's addressed to someone else.
A five year old son squealed with delight when he opened his birthday present from his Grandmother. It was a water pistol. He promptly ran to the sink to fill it.
"Mom," I said. I'm surprised at you. "Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols?"
My mom smiled and said, "Yes, I remember." .... :-) :-) :-)
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.~~~
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "oy." :-)
Karma: In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. .....And whose fault was that?
Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships. .....If that doesn't work, try small claims court.
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. .....What would you talk about?
Wherever you go, there you are. .....Your luggage is another story.
The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So, maybe you are off the hook. ....So if there is no self, whose arthritis is this? :)
Be here now. Be someplace else later. ....Is that so complicated?
Q) What do you get when you cross a Buddhist and a Druid?
A) Someone who worships the tree that is not there.
Found in a fortune cookie: "You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products." :-)
Confucius say, "When you are angry at neighbor, walk a mile in his shoes. Then you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes!" ;-)
I asked a bookstore clerk, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A psychic, meeting another psychic on the street, asked: "You are fine. How am I?" hehe
Where you go in the hereafter........
..........depends on what you were here after.
"I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault." - Albert Einstein
There are 3 kinds of people in this world.
Those who can count.
And those who can't.
A very nervous flyer once describing an airplane ride:
During a trip from California to Indiana it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights.
A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines." ;-)
FOOD FOR THOUGHT: The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it.
Q) What do Buddhists talk about when they go preaching?
A) Nothing. ha
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "What is this, some kind of a joke?" :-)
My church welcomes ALL denominations ...
.... but really prefers tens and twenties.
[Again, to my international friends, please understand this is related to an old commercial in the west here.]
Please don't Squeeze the Shaman. :-)
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.
On a microscope: Objects in view are larger and more alarming than they appear.
On alphabet blocks: Not for children. Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
"We live in a decaying age. Young people no longer respect their parents. They are rude and impatient. They frequently inhabit taverns and have no self control." Inscription on 6,000 year-old Egyptian tomb.
QUOTE from Anatomy of an Illness --
A goal of many corporations is how to crack the international market.
It shouldn't be that hard, yet even big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences:
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." :)
[After the company figured out why these cars weren't selling, they renamed its Spanish markets to the Caribe.]
The answers are already within each of us.
Good luck matching them with the corresponding questions! :-)
The following is the actual Disclaimer made by producers of the life-after-death movie called '"What Dreams May Come."
Quote: "The persons and events in this production are fictitious. No similarity to actual persons, living, dead or REINCARNATED is intended or should be inferred." :-)
A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"
"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.
"I thought you would," said the boss. "Because yesterday after you left to attend your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in here to see you!" lol
A Zen Buddhist goes up to an ice cream sunday stand and tells the vendor, "Make me one with everything." Then he gives the vendor a $20 bill and asks for his change.
The vendor then reminds the Buddhist: "Change comes from within."
FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
In today's world,
with so much stress,
and sometimes trauma,
the best way to get back on your feet,
is to get down on your knees.
Did you hear about a meditating Hindu who visited the dentist for a root canal and requested no Novacaine?
Asked "why" by a startled doctor, he explained he wanted "transcend-dental medication." ;-)
Q) What do you get when you cross an agnostic with a dyslexic insomniac?
A) Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is Dog.
Buddhist: "Technically we all live in our own dream world. ......Some just have better imaginations."
QUOTE - Anatomy of an Illness, pg 143
FOOD FOR THOUGHT- "I adopted the theory of reincarnation when I was 26. Religion offered nothing to the point. When I discovered reincarnation ... time was no longer limited. I was no longer a slave to the hands of the clock." ~ Henry Ford, American auto industrialist (P.S. For those who don't know, his grandson became an initiated disciple of Srila Prabhupada.)